So it's day seven. I cant believe I have been on this journey for a week already. Well actually i can because it has pretty much owned every aspect of my life. BOY OH BOY. I really underestimated the psychological strain paying so much attention to my outward appearance and behavior would have on me. I am positively pooped. Kaput. Tired. Vulnerable. Frazzled. My poor little Bella feelings and psyche.
"The ubiquitous nature of dress would seem to point to the fact that dress or adornment is one of the means by which bodies are made social and given meaning and identity"For the last week my identity has in a way been stripped or modified to such an extent that i sometimes do not recognize the person in the mirror. Do my clothes define me to such an extent? Or is it rather the comfort they provide? The familiarity and expression of my true self that gives me the confidence by which to navigate the world. I have never been one to care what people think or do or say to me about my appearance or persona. I live by the saying fuck the people, we are the people. We all judge and are judged in return but I find that when my true self is judged or devaluated by others I care less.
I know who I am. I know where I stand. I may not know exactly where I'm going but I'm not planning on compromising myself along the way. This is easy for me to do when I am me, myself in its entirety. However for me to do this when i feel what i am projecting to the world is not me it is not as easy to be so steely nerved. I suppose thats what being uncomfortable is all about.
"The uncertainty that characterizes the late modern age is accompanied by a tendency for people to become ever more concerned with appearance and to view the body as a vehicle of self expression" (Lasch 1979)
My vehicle has stalled been abandoned been challenged and possibly may never be exactly the same again. I think I am a woman changed. Or changing may be better tense. I have challenged myself and put out something for the universe to see that is so removed from the way in which I perceived myself prior to this experiment. people have gone out of their way and said "You're brave, i could never do that let alone follow through with it"
For me this is what I admire most about the Japanese exhibitionist youth. Their ability to just go out there and project themselves in all their glory to the world with a quiet confidence an unrequited bravery. And scream
this is who I am, this is my everything ,this is what I like and I don't care what you think.
I hope this is an attitude I can adopt in all aspects of my life. The best part about it is, they put out their very essence without disrupting anyone else's.
Today I went for lunch with my family and close family friends I have not seen in possibly three years. The changes and their past perception of me was bound to be drastic in comparison to the now. They strangely enough recognized my japaneseyness immediately. This saved my vast explaining or bullshitting. Yay me.
Today i embraced the fashion/lifestyle movement called Mori Girl (mori meaning forrest) The fashion is so aptly named of one being influenced by nature and natural movements. It is one very closely related to Dolly Kei their main obvious difference being the colour palate. Mori Girls are seen in whites and neutral tones and dolly kei combines these tones with rich colours like ruby reds and dark purples or emerald greens also the textures of the fabrics are more akin to suede and heavier materials whereas the Mori girl style is all about the fluidity of motion thus using linens, cottons,light knits etc.
To wear so many layers or such muted colours isn't exactly me. I'm more of a boyish inspired edgier dresser. Sometimes I may go girly but the occasions are few and far between. I am however intrigues by this style because of my love of fairy tales. It looks like it is from a fairy tale.
This was me:
I actually felt really feminine and perfect strangers came up to me at the restaurant to tell me I looked like an anime character. I think this is the most extreme contrast to my punk look. I'm rather enjoying the contrast. I think in a way it represents different characteristics of my personality and then dramatizes them. The femininity without sexualization was refreshing. I felt pretty. I felt like a girl and I felt like I was expressing something more than just another outfit but maybe the more gentle hidden part of myself.